Hugs, Kisses & Death

I’m lying here. Wondering.

Wondering what could’ve been. What would’ve been. Could you and I have worked out like we’ve planned? Was this your idea; to dump me right here? After so many years? In the middle of nowhere. With nothing, but the clothes on my back. For miles, all I see is sand. Sand – how unusual. Don’t you think? That you chose this place to leave me at?

Did you even love me? Or was it all an act? Was all the love we made, even real? Or were you just doing it, because you had to? My guess; you’ve been faking your life. But I know you. I know you who are, Jane. I’ve been keeping tabs on you. I got in touch with my inner-Joe. I can’t believe you cheated on me. I thought we were in love. But I guess, it was all an act. Fake, just like you.

You were the most beautiful woman I’ve ever been with. How did I get so lucky? No, I can’t let your beauty make me forget what you’ve done to me.

Was this your plan, all along? Jane, answer me! I’ve never loved someone the way I love you. I never knew I was capable enough to fall for someone this hard. I knew deep in my heart; you were the one for me, the moment I saw you. My heart skipped a beat. Your smile was brighter than the sun. It lit up every room you walked into. It made my heart melt.

Fuck, I’m going to miss that smile. I’m going to miss how you ran your fingers through my hair as we cuddled. You always wanted to be big spoon. I never understood why. I can’t be with anyone else. I can’t be myself with anyone else, like I was with you. They’ll never understand me – understand why I am the way I am. I always felt like I could be myself with you. No hiding. No keeping secrets from you – well, with the exception of one, of course. There’s no way, I could have you find out what it is. I promised myself that I’d take it with me to my grave – which, by my calculations, shouldn’t be far now.

God, I love you. Love – funny word, isn’t it? Love. I remember the first time I told you I love you, which was during one of our favourite Netflix series – You. I never knew how similar we are to Joe and Love. We’d do anything for each other, even if it meant we had to kill someone to prove our love. But I could never kill another human being. But you… you are different. I could see it in your eyes; you would do it in a heartbeat.

Since my last breakup, people’s been telling me I lost a good one. But she was full of shit and tried to change me into someone, something I’m not. Then you came along and accepted me for who I am. You knew I would never change who I am, and you accepted it. I’m grateful. Before meeting you, I tried being invisible to the world, but you saw me. You saw me and never questioned me. Why, Jane? Why me? Why did you have to notice me? You should’ve just walked right pass me, then I would’ve been better off. I know I would’ve.

Do you remember our first date? I picked you up at your flat with a bouquet of sunflowers – your favourite flower. We went to dinner at Chef Angelo’s Ristorante. Your eyes lit up when the waiter placed your plate in front of you. You couldn’t wait to eat! I watched you as your knife carved through your steak and you placed the slice in your mouth. You moaned, as your tastebuds savoured the taste. It turned me on. I wanted you right there and then. But we were in a public area. I had to respect everyone else, in the restaurant. You asked the waiter to bag the rest of your dinner and ordered chocolate mousse for dessert. Of course, we shared it. I decided to feed you a few scoops. With each scoop, you moaned (which turned me on, even more). You described it as heaven in your mouth. Time stopped. It was only the two of us left in a world filled with billions. I knew I wanted you more than anything.

After dinner, I took you home. When you invited me in for coffee, I knew I had to take advantage. The next thing I know, we’re lying in your bed. Naked, with only your silk bedsheet covering us. You rested your head on my chest and drew circles on my stomach. It tickled, but I loved it. I looked at the ceiling, while caressing your arm. We lay there in silence. You could say, it became my happy place. After a while, you looked up at me. Resting your chin on my chest. You started planting a trail of kisses from my chest to my neck until you reached my lips. I can’t believe you want me. A lone outsider, that nobody wanted to be around as a kid. I was too weird, but I made a friend who saw past that weird and became my very best friend.

I could feel you smiling as we kissed. It made me happy to know you, I didn’t gross you out. I never thought I’d be capable to love again after my ex. After our breakup, I caged my heart from falling in love with anyone again. I didn’t want to get hurt again but then you came along, proving my heart wrong.

When I told them about you, they thought I lost it. But once, I introduced you they couldn’t stop saying how lucky I am for getting a girl like you. And they were right. You are unique. You are beautiful. You are straightforward. You are always happy – explains why sunflowers are your favourite. You knew what you wanted in your future. And I became a part of it. I became a part of your life plan.

Your family’s amazing. I’m so glad they had you, their little mistake. Lol. Your baby pictures are the cutest. Your sister scared me there for a bit – and she had all the right reason to – but, she softened once she saw the kind of person I was. If I remember correctly, she said she’d be happy to have me as a brother-in-law. Your face turned red when you heard that, but that was the plan; I was going to make you, my wife. Dinner was delicious. Your mom sure knows how to make a mean pot roast! Your dad quickly warmed up to me. I was so nervous he’d break my neck for dating his daughter. Turns out there was nothing to worry about. He’s different. All he wants, is to see his little girl happy.

We spent every single minute together. I never wanted to be without you. And you never wanted to be without me. We couldn’t get enough of each other. You were clingy – one of the traits, I’ve grown fond of. Some people would’ve hated it, but not me. It just made me want you more.

What happened? What happened to my clingy girl? My happy girl? My sunflower girl?

Today’s our 2-year anniversary. The day, I planned on proposing to you. Your mom and dad gave their blessing. Your sister had already started planning the wedding. They were all ecstatic. I had the whole evening planned out. 6 o’ clock, we’d go to Chef Angelo’s Ristorante, where we had our first date, which slowly became our favourite place. I booked the whole restaurant out. We had the whole place to ourselves. Nobody around to disturb us. After dinner, we’d walk over to the nearby park. I had the gazebo in the middle of the park, decorated with fairy lights, rose petals and an ice bucket with your favourite bubbly. Tonight, would’ve been the night.

But instead, you broke my heart. It’s shattered into pieces. Nothing can repair it. You broke it and you’ll pay for it. Not only have you rejected my proposal, but you confessed to cheating on me – something I already knew but thought this proposal would change your mind. Clearly, I was wrong. I should’ve never fallen in love with you. I thought you would be the one for me. But no, you had other plans. You had someone else. You pictured someone else in your life plan. Because of you, I’ll never be able to love again!

And now, you left me here. You left me here to die. In the middle of the desert. By the time I’m found, there’ll be nothing, but bones left. My flesh will be consumed by vultures. My bones, they would use as toothpicks. You saw me as waste. You were just waiting for the right moment to dispose of me. But I’m glad I’ll be gone soon. Wherever I go, I know I won’t have to love anyone again. Things will be better.

Goodbye, my love. I hope you rot in hell… like me.

xoxo