False Positive

I've had bipolar disorder for as long as I can remember. I had no idea how to deal with it. It feels like I've been battling it my entire life. I was a 16-year-old girl juggling two personas at once! At the same time, I had just lost my grandparents in a car accident. I've since experienced depression and gone in and out of therapy. I started having mood swings and became a whole different person from time to time. That's when my psychiatrist diagnosed me with this stupid condition. I told my best friend, Andy, with whom I'd been friends since I was a few months old. She was there for me throughout this low moment. She was always available when I needed her. We were joined at the hips. Nobody could ever separate the two of us. That is, until we got to high school and she began hanging around with the older and more popular girls. Every time I had a breakdown, she ignored me and didn't return my calls.

I continued to stay in touch with her mother and brother, who tried to find out why Andy stopped hanging out with me but never received a direct response from her. "You know what? Fuck Andy. Let her act like a spoiled brat in high school if that's what she wants to do. She'll quickly realize she made a mistake. From now on, you call me if you need anything or if you have a breakdown; I'll be your new best friend," Joshua, her brother, reassured me. Joshua was one of the school's most popular jocks. All of the girls were smitten with him. Since we were childhood friends and I always thought of him as my older brother, I probably didn't notice what they did.

(Or so I thought.)

Joshua spent every waking second with me from then on. Everyone at school was envious, especially the girls who had attempted to woo him. Someone bumped into me one day on my way to my next lesson, causing my books and loose pages to drop to the floor. I looked up and noticed it was one of Andy's new popular pals. "Oops, I'm sorry," she remarked sarcastically. I ignored her and bent to gather my belongings. "I'm not sure how you, a nerd, could be friends with the school's hottest jock. "Your mom probably bought him off so you don't have to appear so weird or awkward," she snorted. "Or perhaps it's because she learned to look past my looks and is able to count to ten, a voice remarked. The girl turned around when she heard a voice and saw Joshua standing there, watching the scene. "Josh, I'm sorry. I didn't notice you there," She said so casually. " Say you're sorry," he said. I could feel his gaze on me. "Why should I? She's the one who didn't look where she was going," the girl said, glaring at me. "Ally, apologize. NOW!" Students walking by stopped and observed what was happening. As the number of eyes on me grew, my stomach tightened. Ally remained silent. She stood quietly, staring at him. "Ally, come on. Fuck them." I turn around to see Andy standing in the front row, calling Ally over. She swiftly turned around and walked over to her. She casually brushed into me, trying to intimidate me, but with Joshua there, it seemed different. She pushed everyone away and walked away. "Mind your own business," he said. The crowd dispersed immediately.

"Thank you, Josh," I murmured, blushing. "No worries, lols. I promised you I'd always be there for you," he stated. My heart softened. "So, what class do you have right now?" "Spanish." "I'll walk you," he said. I look at him, trying to imply it isn't necessary. "Don't even. I've got English. So I'm not in a rush," he said as he took my bag. I followed behind him as he walked. "So, how have you been?" he asked. Since you asked me that through text five minutes ago," I said, "Okay," with a chuckle. He joined. "Sorry." We continue to talk about various things until we reach to my class. "This is your stop," he declared as he handed me my bag. "I'll talk to you later," I said as I entered class. "Unless," he began. I came to a halt. "What?" "I have football practice later; do you want to come and watch?" he asked. " Why is he tense?" I thought to myself. "I'll see you there," I replied cheerfully. He walked away with a big smile on his face.

Weirdo.

When I got to the field, I spotted the team doing laps around the track. I saw Joshua sprinting alongside one of his best pals, Fred. I went to the bleachers and watched them run before pulling out a book to read. When I read, everything else fades away. I shut out everything around me and enter the book.

I didn't notice Joshua approaching until he pulled the book from my grasp. "Hey!" I yelled. "Give it back." I tried to grab the book. "I've been reaching out to you the entire time. You must have heard me somehow," he said. I then glanced at the book before returning my gaze to him. "Ah, this book must be to blame. He must be more interesting than watching your best friend practice football," He cracked a joke. "Yes, that was an interesting read. And I was waiting for you to finish running before I looked at your practice," I said. "Well, we're halfway through practice. We're about to take a 5-minute break." "Oh," was the only thing I could say. He laughed and handed me the book. I bookmarked it and tucked it back into my bag. As Joshua drank his water, I sat silently with my hands on my lap. "I never got around to thanking you for this morning," I broke the silence. He looked confused. "Oh. It's nothing. You know I'll always be there for you," he said after realizing what I was talking about. I blushed. Coach soon announced that the break was over and it was time to continue practice. He stood up and smiled at me before sprinting off toward the team.

I know I said I see Joshua as my brother, but that smile really got to me. I was watching them this time while they practiced. My gaze was glued on Joshua's every move.

I started feeling strange all of a sudden. My energy level had plummeted, and my emotions were all over the place. Oh no, not now. I tried to fight it, but it didn't work. I was about to have a complete meltdown right now on the field. If anyone sees it, I'll be the laughing stock of the school tomorrow.

My breathing became labored. Something heavy was pressing against my chest. I suddenly had trouble breathing. As I stood up, I felt a rush of blood to my head. I tried screaming out to Joshua, but there was no sound. My voice was gone. I was unable to talk. I collapsed back into my seat, trying to regain control of my breathing. I attempted crawling towards the stairs to get to the restroom, but I was too weak to go any further.

"Joshua!" Someone yelled. Before I knew it, he was by my side, attempting to calm me down. He lifted me up and sat down next me. "Deep breathes," he instructed. We begin breathing in and out simultaneously. The team looked at us. I felt awkward, but I couldn't care less. My breathing gradually returned. "Hey, you got colored in again," he laughed. I tried to laugh even though I couldn't really. "It's fine. You're fine. It's just another episode. I'm here," he comforted me. I turned to face him and nodded. "Is she all right?" the coach questioned. He seems worried. "She is now. I'm going to take her home, Coach. I'll make up for lost time tomorrow," he said. "No, no, it's fine. Don't cut your practice time short just for me. I'll be OK. Go, continue, "I said. "Don't argue. You have to go home," Joshua shouted loudly. When I glanced at him, I noticed something in his eyes that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Coach then ended practice half an hour sooner.

Because of me.

Neither of us spoke in the car. I felt horrible about having football practice cut short due to this stupid disorder. I shifted my gaze to Joshua. He concentrated on the road ahead. I gazed out the window. I had something to say but wasn't sure what. I heard him sigh as we came to a complete stop at a red light. "Are you okay?" I asked. He smiled as he glanced at me. "Yeah, I'm OK. But I'm supposed to ask you that," he emphasized. I kept quiet.

"I'm sorry." I said, looking down at my lap. I fiddled around with my fingers. "For what?" he asked. "Everything. You had to deal with a lot of my nonsense, from my sudden breakup with Andy to standing up for me against Ally to helping me survive my stupid condition. I already owe you so much. I didn't intend for you to revolve your entire existence on me," I told him. When the light turned green, he drove away. He didn’t answer me.

We were getting close to my house. But he missed the turnoff. I looked at him. "You missed my street," I remarked. "I know," he said. We sat quietly. I asked myself, "Where are you taking me?" He came to a halt at a familiar spot. It's the park where we played as kids. There were a lot of amazing memories here.

He got out, leaving me puzzled. He came around to my side and opened my door. I remained seated. "Why aren't you getting out?" he asked. "Why are we here?" I questioned. "Just come on," he replied, holding out his hand. I reluctantly accepted it and exited. He shut the door and locked the car. "Joshua, why are we here?" I asked. "There's something I've wanted to show you for a long time, but we never really had time to ourselves," he explained. He walked me through the park and into the woods. "Where are we going?" I asked again. "Do you trust me?" he asked. "Of course I do," I said. He smiled and looked forward. We kept walking. Neither one of us spoke up. I wanted to ask him what was going on again, but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Ever since we left the car, he has never let go of my hand. I wanted to let go, but his grip was firm.

I looked around. I’ve never been to this part of the forest before. I looked ahead and saw a bridge. Joshua led me to the middle of the bridge. He let go of my hand and looked at the view. "Do you like?" he asked. I looked forward and stood in awe. "Oh, my word!" I exclaimed, speechless. How have I not known about this place?

"Joshua," I started. He placed a finger on my lips. "Wait, let me go first," he said. I kept quiet and watched him. He took my hands in his once more and looked into my eyes. "Since we were kids, I always thought of you as a sister, but since I became your replacement best friend, something changed. The way I feel about you changed. I like you… more than a best friend and a sister. If anything, I want to be with you," he confessed.

What is he saying? Why is he saying it?

I stood silent, looking at him. I'm not sure what to say. "How can you be with someone whose mood swings change in a matter of nanoseconds? Someone who could literally have another personality? You’ll get tired of trying to calm me down or get me back to my original self. I’m going to be a problem, and before you know it, this disease will be the cause of our breakup!" I ranted on but was cut off with a kiss. I stood wide-eyed as he pressed his soft lips against mine. I stood still. I didn’t know what to say.

Joshua Michaels was kissing me!

He moved away and looked at me. He’s waiting for me to say something. What do I say?

"Um," I said. My thoughts were scrambled. My heart was racing. I had no words. "Lola, I don’t care about your personality changes. I don’t care about your sudden mood swings. If I got tired of it, I would’ve ignored and shoved you away when your parents first told us. It makes you unique. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise," he says. "You’re perfect as you are. Girls should actually be jealous of you." My heart melted. I still had nothing to say. I just stood there looking at him. "You don’t have to say anything right now, but I’d rather wait until you answer me than spend another second in a relationship with some boring girl who’s just in it for the popularity. Think about it, yeah," he said.

I looked at him. I knew what I wanted—I wanted him. There’s no one else. I’ve always known that I had a little crush on him, but I ignored it because he was my best friend’s brother. And because he was way out of my league. But hearing him say all this, gave me back that hope. We were still holding hands. I freed one of my hands and caressed his cheek. I looked at his eyes before looking down at his lips. Without thinking, I crashed my lips into his. "How are his lips so soft?" I thought to myself.

"I take it that you feel the same way," Joshua laughed. I nodded my head. "I always had a crush on you but kept it suppressed and decided to think of you as a brother. But then again, these past few months with you have changed a lot. I can’t express my gratitude towards you for being there for me when I needed it the most, especially after Andy decided to ditch me for the cool girls. You did all these things for me, and I don’t deserve them," I said, looking down. He put his index finger underneath my chin and lifted my head up. My eyes were welling up with tears. Anything he said now would undoubtedly set off the waterworks. "Lols, being in your presence, talking to you, being your go-to person — that’s more than enough for me. I don’t need any thank-you’s from you or anyone. If it meant being with you, I would do it over and over again. You give life purpose. You’re the one thing I look forward to every day. Every morning, I can’t wait to get to school just to be with you. I miss having you at the house. I miss having you pop into my room to have a random conversation about literally anything," he said. And just like I said, tears ran down my cheeks as I listened to him. "You know what? Fuck Andy. From now on, you're coming home with me. If she wants to throw a fit, let her. She’ll have to get over it," Joshua exclaimed in a serious tone. I’ve never seen or even heard this side of him before.

He went on to rant about what kind of best friend would leave their best friend in a time of desperate need. I leaned against the railing while watching as he paced up and down in his practice clothes. I kept quiet and let him speak his mind. The way he’s acting makes me laugh. He saw me laughing. "What are you laughing at?" he asked me as he approached me. I brought my arms up to his neck as he placed his hands on my hips. "I don’t know. "I just find it funny to hear how you’re ridiculing your own sister about what a bad friend she is," I said. "Well, it is true," he said. "I know, but she has her reasons. I understand what high school can do to you and how it can drastically alter your life. She’ll get over it soon enough," I told him. "She better, because once she finds out you’re my girl, she’ll freak out!" he exclaimed. "Wait what? I’m your girlfriend?" I asked him. "Um," he stuttered. I placed my hand on his chest and felt his heart beat faster. "If you want to be," he said, gulping. I looked at my hand on his chest and then at his eyes. They glistened in the sunset. "Of course, I want to be your girlfriend. More than anything. That’s all I’ve been thinking of since we were five," I confessed. He laughed. He couldn’t stop laughing. "Hey, don’t laugh. I’m a girl. We think about these things when we’re young," I said. "No, I’m not laughing at that. Do you remember getting a letter from your secret admirer?" he asked. I try thinking back. That’s when it hit me. "Yeah, yeah, I remember that," I said. I wait for his response. He tilted his head slightly forward to gesture something. That’s when it hit me. "Wait, you’re my secret admirer? I ticked yes!" I shouted. "I know. So you could say that we’ve been dating since we were 6," he said, followed by a laugh. I joined him.

The laughter soon died. We watched as the sun set. I could get used to this. It soon became our new spot if we ever needed privacy or wanted peace and quiet. When Andy found out about me and Joshua, she was furious. We had a heated argument about it. But we soon learned that the only reason she cut ties with me was to protect me from those popular girls who made fun of me and my condition. We soon became best friends again, and she came to accept my relationship with her brother. Everyone at school got extremely jealous but didn’t dare pick on me because I had the entire football team to back me up! My depression and mood swings persisted, but only on rare occasions. Ever since being with Joshua, something changed. I felt happy. My second personality was still there, but I had her under control.

Life became a better place. I couldn’t ask for any better.